


The In-Laws

by sunflower1343



Series: Therapy [20]
Category: Crimson Spell, Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: crack in a crack universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 21:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11388306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: Asami and Feilong meet their in-laws, and it goes about as well as you'd expect. Full-blown crack.





	The In-Laws

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure about posting this because this is one of the crackiest cracks I've ever written, but then, why not? Just leave your logic at the door. This doesn't fit into any timeline for this series; it just is. Written June 2006.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~

Five pairs of eyes blinked at them. Their two pairs of eyes blinked back.

"Would you like some tea? Let me get some tea for you. Where is Cook? I'll just run out to the kitchen." He tried to stand, but a firm hand held him right where he sat.

"You're not leaving me with them. For better or for worse," a voice hissed into his ear. "This is the worse part."

"We never made those vows!" he hissed back.

"Mom, why are they hissing like cats?" 

"Hush dear. I'm sure they have a good reason for it."

He stared at them. The younger girl giggled.

The man stood and began pacing by the fireplace. "I still don't quite understand this. Where exactly did you two meet Akihito? You're not like his typical friends at all. What exactly do you do for a living? I don't know that I approve of him living in such a setup, because I know he can't afford it. This is all very strange. Do you smoke that much around him?"

That last was directed at his partner in crime, who had just lit up his fifth cigarette. 

Asami blew smoke towards the man. "No, I don't. I smoke more. And he likes it. Especially the way I smoke in bed. Oof."

Fei had shoved an elbow into Asami's side to keep anything else from slipping out. 

The man's eyes narrowed. "Listen here young man, you may not care about second hand smoke harming him, but I certainly don't approve if it."

Fei nodded. "We've been trying to get him to quit."

The man turned on him. "And what are you? Some sort of transvestite? What kind of job can you expect to hold down looking like that?"

"I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you." He laughed at his own joke, then slipped his hand down his thigh to the knife he had sheathed there. "Or maybe I'll kill you first."

He heard a sarcastic voice at his ear. "Be nice now. Akihito would be disappointed to find the corpses of his family in the sitting room when he got home."

Fei turned to Asami with a hurt expression. "I wouldn't kill all of them, just our asshole father-in-law."

"Excuse me. Father-in-law? FATHER-IN-LAW? OUR father-in-law?"

They looked at each other. "Oops."

"Father-in-law implies married, and unless you're a woman-- well you look the part. And what does the OUR mean? How could both of you have the same father-in-law? What kind of freakish setup is this here? Are you all a bunch of perverts?"

The mother stood up and pulled her red-faced husband aside. "Now dear, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'm sure that they're not at all as freakish as they appear."

Fei was starting to get quite offended. He wondered just how much Akihito would miss them were they to disappear.

The older daughter finally spoke up. "So you're all gay and fucking each other in some sort of weird ménage a trois?"

Asami smiled at her, pleased. "Exactly! It seems that brains only skipped one generation in your family."

Takaba senior turned at this and yelled, "Are you calling me an idiot?"

Asami flicked his cigarette butt at the man and promptly lit another. "Well, at least you got that one right. But I'm glad for Akihito's sake that's all that bothers you, and not the fact that he's gay and servicing two men every night. Ouch. Dammit Fei!"

Fei sighed. "We love Akihito and he is our husband, and we want to take care of him all his life."

The younger daughter piped up. "Is this like when I put Hiro's GI Joe in Barbie's wedding dress?"

Hiro's jaw dropped. "You what??"

Asami slid down the loveseat and covered his face. "Oh god not this."

Fei beamed at her. "It's just like that! He looks so lovely in a gown, don't you think?"

She nodded. "And his kung-fu grip is really good for holding the bouquet. I like giving him baby's breath."

"You use real flowers? How adorable! I made a whole trousseau for him for my son for Christmas. Would you like to see it?"

"Oh yes! May I?"

Both stood.

Takaba senior pointed at the couch. "No! Sit! You are not going anywhere alone with him. Is everyone in this family perverted?" 

The child sat. Fei looked the man up and down. "You don't own me. And I bet you have some tentacle porn hidden under your bed." He stomped out of the room.

Asami laughed. "Akihito must have gotten the genes from somewhere. I can see where he got that lovely ass of his, Daddy." He all but purred. "I may call you that, may I not?" 

Daddy turned more red than before. And it didn't seem to all be anger.

Asami smiled knowingly at Akihito's mother. "Have you ever thought of pegging your husband? I wonder if he cries out as sweetly as Akihito does." 

Fei came back with his Joe/Joe Wedding Trunk, Complete with Accessories™. "Asami, you realize Akihito will not be pleased with the direction of this conversation when he hears about it."

"You think he'll enjoy you sharing Gay Joe with his little brother and sister?"

Fei turned his back on the pest with a "hmmph" and sat on the floor with the very curious young girl and boy, and soon a full fashion show was in progress. He looked up at a moan from the side of the room.

Asami had Takaba senior pinned against the wall. Mrs. Takaba was watching in fascination.

"Asami, my love, I really don't think Akihito would appreciate the demonstration you're putting on. I realize there are no rules about fucking his parents, but one would think that one was a given, don't you agree?"

Asami sighed. "You're turning into a nag Fei. It's just a little harmless demonstration of why Akihito's lifestyle is perfectly understandable."

"Mom? Dad? What the hell is going on here? Ryu, are you doing what I think you're doing?"

Asami moved his hand holding the silk tie to hide it behind his back. "Maybe."

"Jesus. No fucking my parents, OK?!" Akihito glanced at his siblings and added for good measure, "or my brother and sisters! That's rule number, hell, what are we up to, 53?"

Akihito's mother looked at him curiously. "Do you like pegging Akihito? Do you think your father would enjoy it?"

Akihito's jaw dropped, then snapped shut. "Ryu, I'd like to speak with you privately for a moment."

Asami smirked. "Of course." He looked at his in-laws "He's always horny when he gets home."

"Dammit!" Akihito dragged Asami out of the room and slammed the door behind them. Within minutes, moans were heard from beyond the door. Akihito's mother and older sister started edging toward the door, ears next to the wall.

Feilong shook his head. 

"What's wrong nii-san?" 

He was startled by the address, then pleased. "Yes, you are in fact my brother and sister now, are you not? How nice to have such charming siblings. What's your name, sweetheart?"

"I'm Kaori, and I'm 7! Can I braid your hair?"

He laughed and patted her on the head. "No, I don't let anyone touch my hair."

"Why not? I'm your sister. You should let me."

His eyes narrowed. "No. You. May. Not. Stop asking."

"Well you're a pretty crappy brother then. Why grow all that hair if no one gets to play with it?"

"So I can strangle naughty children with it. Get it?"

Fei forgot that you should never lose your cool to the point where you can't keep track of all the enemy. "What the hell?" Something tugged sharply on his hair. Hiro giggled. Fei swung his head about. A priceless vase crashed to the floor. He swung his head back the other way and both Joes, kung-fu grip letting them rappelle down his hair, flew around his head to smack him in the face.

Why had he thought he liked children? He stared at them. "You realize, of course, this means war?" He sprang to his feet and the boy and girl took off screaming. Through the door Asami and Akihito had disappeared through.

"Godammit! Fei!" He didn't know how Akihito managed to watch them and shout from that position on the dining room table.

Akihito's mother stared through the open doorway, then fainted. His sister stared and grinned. The children screamed louder as Fei ran after them, chasing them around the table their brother lay on and out through the kitchen. 

Asami didn't even pause. 

The screaming children ran back through the room, Fei still chasing them, now covered in flour, a parrot beating its wings about his head as it tried to pull one of the Joes free.

Asami's eyebrow rose as he continued to fuck Akihito. "When did we get a parrot?" 

Akihito had closed his eyes a while before, reasoning that if he couldn't see them, they couldn't see him. He screwed them even more tightly shut. "I'm not here. My family is not here. There are no parrots here."

Asami patted his ass as he drove into it. "You just keep telling yourself that." 

The parade passed through the room another time, slightly longer again by one.

Akihito still didn't open his eyes. "I don't even want to know what that thumping was. But do you think you might pause for a moment and close the doors?"

"It is getting annoying. The peg-leg on that pirate made me lose my concentration." Asami stepped back and fastened his pants. A disappointed whimper was heard from the direction of the sitting room. He tossed part of the tablecloth over Akihito's nakedness. "Here. I wouldn't want my dinner to get cold."

"Oh shut up."

Asami walked over and stood by the door waiting. One child ran through and was snatched up under one arm. Child two, under the other. Fei, surprised, tripped and banged his head into the table. Luckily, or not, depending on your point of view, the parrot cushioned the blow. Asami winced. The pirate stomped in and cried out at the sight of the parrot feathers flying everywhere.

Children screaming, parents shouting, Feilong moaning, and a peg-leg click click clicking on the wooden floor sent Akihito sliding under the dining room table, attempting to hide. Unfortunately the tablecloth and centerpiece and place settings followed him.

Asami saw the door on the far side of the room open. Tao stepped in. He glanced around and pursed his lips, obviously considering his options, then slowly backed out of the room and shut the door firmly.

Asami laughed. He was about to pull his gun out to get everyone's attention when the parrot did it for him. The dead parrot, much like Lazarus, rose up and walked. Well, it was more of a disjointed jig across the now bare dining room table. The room fell silent as one by one, the participants in the fiasco saw this bizarre little creature flailing around.

The parrot's head fell off. Takaba's mother shrieked and fainted. Again.

A small rabbit head poked out through the parrot's neck. The pirate ran forward. "Oh, you're alright! I was so worried about you." A small bunny struggled free from the parrot costume, and floated a foot above the table. Asami had a terrible suspicion. He dropped the children, who of course whined about hitting the floor, the babies, and he strode forward to jerk the hat and wig off the pirate.

"YOU!"

The boy slowly backed away. _Caught. Dammit._ It had been a perfect disguise too. 

He backed right over Fei's leg and fell into his lap. He stared at Asami advancing, menace in his eyes. He stared up at Feilong, who still looked slightly dazed by his fall. He thought of running away. For about half a second. If he had to die, this was where he wanted to go.

He closed his eyes and waited for oblivion. 

 

And he woke up with a jerk. Uh, not _with_ a jerk, like that wizard, but rather he jerked and woke up.

Rulca sat on his chest and stared at him with glowing eyes. "You _had_ to see how the other half lived. If Havi knew about this I'd be dead."

"Oh he knows." There was a small poof and a glowing light appeared to their left, lighting the face of the rather annoyed wizard behind it. "And I have one word. Bunny stew."

 _Don't say it_ , Vald thought, praying for Rulca to show sense for a change.

"That's two words, cretin."

Vald hid his face. 

The rabbit had to push it. "If you wanted to use one, you could have said 'hasenpfeffer'. But that would mean you were as smart as, oh, a Bunny. Bugs that is."

"Fricasseed." The wizard stalked toward them, staff raised.

"Roasted." A bolt shot out and hit Rulca square in the tail.

"Or maybe barbequed." A second bolt shot out but the bunny was nowhere to be seen.

Vald sat up as Havi turned on him. "Now wait a minute."

Havi waved the staff and bands encircled his wrists. "I was watching you, with that long haired man. Liked him, did you?"

Vald tried to back away but he was held in place. Something wild started growing in him.

"You enjoyed the mayhem there, getting close to your idol?"

Vald struggled but couldn't move. His mind was slipping. A growl arose from his throat.

"Are you that hungry for a man, princeling?"

He shook his head. The scent before him was so enticing. Lust roared through his body. 

"Not princeling now, but beast, isn't it? Come, let me give you what you couldn't find even when you traveled across universes." They fell to the ground, growls and moans arising from beside the fire.

Rulca looked on from the distance, in a tree, hidden. Trust Halvill to ruin perfect good crack because he lacked a sense of humor. At least those other guys knew how to throw a party. He brushed at his singed tail with a sniff. What kind of way was this to treat a demon bunny?

He disappeared.

 

\--

Asami suddenly woke up and after only about an hour of sleep. He'd had to tease Akihito on and off for six hours straight before he got an "Okay okay I forgive you just put your god damned cock in my god damned ass and let me come!" from him.

Something tickled his nose. He waved a hand at it and opened his eyes. A familiar rabbit sat on his chest, his long hair softly brushed Asami's face. And oddly, he found that erotic.

"I don't know why you're surprised," the rabbit said. "You find anything that breathes erotic."

Asami considered the statement, coming as it was from a rabbit, to be beneath his attention. And yet, since none of the rules mentioned rabbits, he figured he could at least see how far he could get. He ran his hands down the silky rabbit fur and played with the red ball at the end of a braid. _Shit, even that was erotic._ Especially the way the bunny twitched and moaned at his touch.

"Asami...?" Akihito stirred next to him. He quickly pulled his hands out of that thick fur and set the rabbit at hip level to hide his erection. That turned out to be a mistake.

"Godammit Ryu!"

"What?"

He glanced down at the sexy redhead impaled on his cock. _Oh. Fuck._

He glanced up at Akihito. "Would it help if I said he was a magic bunny?"

Akihito glared.

He sighed. "I didn't think so."

First there were the in-laws, who were evidently untouchable, even when they were moaning for it. 

And then where was the trust? A magic bunny lands on your cock and you're supposed to be responsible? What the hell? 

Sometimes he questioned the cost benefit ratio of marriage.

Akihito suddenly growled and jumped on the bunny boy and sucker punched him and the two tumbled across his chest, elbowing him in the eye. 

Strangely, even as he was wincing at the thought of the black eye he'd have from a bunny of all things -- and wouldn't that be fun to explain to Fei? -- that was the very moment he realized that he would put up with the in-laws and everything else for some things. 

As if hearing him, the two stopped fighting and sat up and stared at him. 

Then they pounced.

He let them win.

 

~end~


End file.
